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I was in survival mode when my son turned eight on I was in survival mode when my son turned eight on December 25th. So I’m doing a belated birthday post for my feed now 💛 This birthday looked different in many ways. Cedar spent it as a first-time big brother and didn’t complain once that our attention wasn’t completely on him the whole day. We didn’t do anything extravagant that day and tried to keep at least a few traditions in play (like taking a “last photo before his birthday” when he brushes his teeth before bed, hanging his favorite color balloons everywhere for him to wake up to, cinnamon buns in the morning, and the annual family photo). Instead of a big birthday party (which I didn’t have the energy for at all this year), we bought a cheap piñata for some of his neighborhood buddies, and my mom spent the day baking his birthday cake with him. Which the wind prevented the candles lighting outside so we ended up having to blow them out inside of our laundry room 😂. It was the furthest from a Pinterest-perfect moment and I can’t not laugh looking back at it. My son has grown so much over the last eight years, and so I have I. We haven’t had much quality time together for a few months, and it’s something he has expressed missing so we will be carving out time for some dates together here soon. But in this moment, I wanted these photos to find a place in my feed. Because they feed my spirit and remind me of the perfectly imperfect life we have. I can’t believe I have an eight year old 😭💛.
Birth Story: Part 5 (final) “Golden Hour with ou Birth Story: Part 5 (final) “Golden Hour with our SONshine” This part is extra special for me. You see, within minutes of my first son being born, he & I were strapped to a gurney & taken to a hospital due to PP hemorrhage. It was chaotic. And due to medical negligence & trauma, unfortunately the chaos continued for a long time. This time around, I hoped for a redemptive birth experience. Something I desired most was to experience golden hour. 💛 At the birth center, my husband, our surprise son, & I spent time alone together before my body was tended to. Previous trauma left me quite anxious about *down there* so this was emotional. Deciding to get that part over with, my doula warmed my feet again to help ground me. After a good numbing & tending to, I decided to get in the tub to try to pee (needs to happen before going home, among others things). Plus, I had waited all those months to use the beautiful tub there & wasn’t leaving until I did! 🤪 I was helped in, brought food, & we were tenderly left to ourselves for a bit. I’ll never forget sitting in that shallow warm water, registering how odd it was to take deeper breaths again, looking over at my husband & son on the bed. This was SO different than last time. Now, all was still. I knew exactly where I was, & it’s exactly where I wanted to be. I don’t know how long I sat there taking it all in; the peace & pure stillness I tapped into remains indescribable. In this moment, I sighed quietly (for only me to hear), “I did it”. I actually felt brave. Little did I know, I’d hold tightly to this moment like a life raft in the weeks to come. I wish I could relive that moment, in that tub, a thousand times. Not long after, I visited the loo before being helped back into bed. After baby was checked, we continued to snuggle. Within a few hours, we were back in the car (filled with untouched supplies) & I rode that indescribable natural birth high all the way home. We arrived before our eldest woke up for school (6:30am). Cedar got to meet his sibling & announce what we had. Big brother went off to school while baby & I curled into bed. Now we just had to figure out his name. 🙈
1:24 AM- peeled into the driveway midwives quickly 1:24 AM- peeled into the driveway midwives quickly helped me inside to the first room just in time to grab the headboard of the bed to ride the next wave. It’s like my body reverted back to the “car stance”. As soon as the wave receded, I got on the bed & onto my side. My body was fully in charge. I wanted to get into the tub, but it wasn’t ready & my body wouldn’t do it even if it was. Between roars, I apologized for how loud I was. One hand grabbed the bed-frame behind me; the other grabbed my midwife’s hand as the little girl in me said, “I can’t do this..”. My midwife met me with an encouraging, “You ARE doing this, Maddie”. I remember feeling pressure as baby descended, then the familiar “ring of fire”. I knew it was close. I felt afraid & brave. Only I could do this. Around 1:40 AM Nov 1st- in one mighty surge, baby flew out & fumbled into the midwife’s hands then immediately placed on my chest. Time stood still as I felt this baby was smaller than my first. The next few minutes passed quickly. Almost immediately, I asked if I was bleeding too much/if things were okay. Our doula rushed in, surprised to find the baby earth-side. Though encouraged to focus on baby, I struggled to. I remember staring at the ceiling fan, feeling baby & I connected by the umbilical chord still, & flashing back to my first birth when I felt chorded to my first son- just before the chaos began. I told myself, “I’m here. I’m okay. That was then; this is now”. My doula sat beside me. I told her I was struggling to feel “like I was here”. Even with a baby on my chest. As if she knew exactly what I needed, she rubbed her hands together & placed them on my feet. The warmth settled me; I felt more grounded & stable in my body. I allowed myself to shake to dispel the surges of energy & trauma, & realized I didn’t see the baby yet! My husband checked & said, “it’s a boy!”. I couldn’t believe it. Pretty sure I said, “No, what’s my baby? What did *I* have?” 😂. It wasn’t long before I passed the placenta with minimal pressure (much easier than a baby with bones). Our doula snapped some photos with our permission before we were left in the room alone to settle in together…
Birth Story: Part 3 “The Wild Ride” 12:22AM Birth Story: Part 3 “The Wild Ride” 12:22AM @n2da3rd called the midwives to say we were heading there. 12:23 he called the doula to say the same. By the time we pulled out of the driveway (12:28), I started having less control over what my body did or didn’t do. Contractions started coming much closer together & with more intensity. It felt totally different than last time. I breathed through waves with my eyes closed but soft, melting into each contraction, not resisting them. It felt like hours passed so I looked to see how close we were to arriving. When I realized we were passing railroad tracks just minutes away from our house, I told Ryan I may not make it to the birth center. After joking about having a car birth all pregnancy, I realized it may become reality. 🙈 The next contraction was accompanied by an urge to get off my bottom. Recalling a video of a woman birthing on the passenger floorboard of a car, I attempted to “squat” in front of the seat. My belly wouldn’t allow it & the birth ball was in the backseat blocked my chair from moving. I knew I couldn’t sit down, so I did the only thing I could do- I stood up, leaned over the middle console, & grabbed the closest thing I could to steady myself (which was the car seat handle bar. This is how I’d stay the rest of the 45 min drive- straddling over the passenger seat & console, with my bare ass basically in the windshield 😅). At the peak of a contraction I felt a POP & gush of liquid. “My water broke!” I screamed into my husband’s ear, who started reaching over to feel for a head & also pull my dress down. I yelled at him to stop & focus on driving faster. With every contraction after that, my body started to push without restraint & I felt tons of pressure. In complete contrast to my first birth (I was rather quiet), I roared through each of these contractions. I recall glancing at the GPS between surges, seeing “8 minutes”, & thinking, “There’s no way…”. But the only place to pull over was a sketchy parking lot. I wasn’t about to have this baby there 😂. So my hubs continued white-knuckling it to the birth center on the wildest ride of our life. Swipe for a video of a mild reenactment 😂
Birth Story: Part 2 AM of Oct 31st- When things d Birth Story: Part 2 AM of Oct 31st- When things didn’t progress as I anticipated, I reminded myself that these earlier contractions WERE moving things along- each served a purpose. After a curb-walking, I visited my chiropractor (@heartoffloridachiropractic) for an adjustment. I used them in my first pregnancy as well! While there, I had two noticeable contractions, followed by a series of surges I began tracking. By mid-afternoon they became sporadic/slowed down, so I stopped tracking because I felt the need to surrender more than I was. I needed to hold this birth as loosely in my hands as possible. @bonniejean215 made sure to grab a photo of me in a shirt my other sis @e_day22 had made for me. I distracted myself through surges by grazing & cleaning the kitchen. For kicks & giggles, I put on my old family-photo costume 😂 Around 10PM we called our midwife & doula with an update. I did need to breathe a little more through surges on the phone, but could still talk. Deciding I wanted to optimize rest, and not wanting to head to the birth center too early, we tucked in our son & I sent my hubs to the store to grab me tea to sip on in the tub. Until this point, I avoided water/tub because I wanted to reserve it for when I really needed it for relief (intending to wait until I got to the birth center to get into a tub for delivery). About 11:30pm while my hubby was gone, in sheer attempt to relax, I got into a bath. Within minutes, a VERY strong surge hit & I felt close to what I imagined “feeling pushy” felt like. The surge was very short but intense. Until this, I’d been waiting for them to get “longer, stronger, closer together” to leave the house. My hubs returned & before I could take a sip of tea, another contraction came on fiercely. For sheer comedic relief, I have to share right about now my brother-in-law (@quinn.mckee) accidentally walked in on me in the bathroom. My hubs said, “Wait!” & my BIL retreated (traumatized no doubt). Then I returned to the bedroom. Contractions were more sporadic than not so we updated the birth team again… Continued in comments ⬇️⬇️
Naturally, it only took about 11 weeks to share pa Naturally, it only took about 11 weeks to share parts of the birth story. In part, this is because it takes time to integrate the experience and process it as the birthing Mother. And because this postpartum has been unlike what I’d expected, it has taken me a minute to get back to sharing. Those that know my story, know I’ve spent most of my marriage & motherhood journey healing through birth/postpartum trauma with my first son. It took several years to open myself up to having another biological baby, followed by an exhausting few years of “secondary infertility” before finally conceiving our second born son. This pregnancy, birth, & postpartum have taken me to greater depths of my soul than ever before. I continue to learn, grow, grieve, and recognize God’s grace in the details. Without further adieu… The week of October 20th, I started having episodes of prodromal labor. Our first son was “41.5 weeks” so I was mentally prepared to pass the guess date (Nov 2). To my surprise, at 7PM October 30th, I had bloody show. My history of loss triggered a moment of panic and I texted my midwives, who provided me with tender reassurance. On a walk around the block, I experienced noticeable shifts in my body & strong intuitive pull inwards. I told my my husband it was time to go home/ labor was starting. Back home, I calmly let my sister know. She prepared labor-supportive drinks/snacks while my husband made sure birth supplies were ready. Having planned a birth-center delivery this time around, we anticipated at least an hour drive to the birth center. I had never left my home to birth before so this was a whole new experience! I didn’t want to go too early. That night I prioritized rest and nourishment, knowing I had a marathon to run ahead of me. (Also) to my surprise, the next morning arrived without things picking up. @n2da3rd packed the car before taking me somewhere for some curb-walking and grounding, then we returned home so I could rest and nourish myself more. Since we were supposed to visit my friend (@spiritledbeauty 😘), I went ahead & let her know our son would come hang out, but that I needed to stay close to home…
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